


It's That Time

by elvenarchress



Category: One Piece
Genre: Crack, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Genderswap, Menstruation, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-29
Updated: 2012-12-29
Packaged: 2017-11-22 20:55:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/614236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elvenarchress/pseuds/elvenarchress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's that time of the month for the Straw Hats and a new Marine recruit learns why they should stay far, far away. WARNING: CRACK!!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Marine's Worst Nightmare

"Sir! The Thousand Sunny appears to have ceased all movement!"

"All right. Men prepare for-wait! How long has this chase been?"

"Um, around three weeks-"

"TURN THE SHIP AROUND! GET US OUT OF HERE _NOW_ , MEN!"

"Sir?"

"FULL SPEED! Oh, that's right. You're new. Okay, let's make this quick so we can get outta this with our balls intact. How much do you know about women?

"Well, I-"

"Female pirates are even worse. No, I'm not shitting you. In general and _especially_ when it's _that_ time of the month. Bad enough when one of 'em's got it but –you know how that sort of thing syncs when a bunch of women are around each other a lot? Well the Straw Hats have _seven_ women and they've been together a _long_ time. That's a boatload of PMS out there and-"

"Sir, the Sunny's reversing! They'll be on us in a minute!"

"Aww crap… Somebody, go tell the Doc he's got his work cut out for him… and men! Remember: every man for himself!"

_"What?"_

"It's the second rule. Here're the rest of them. Probably won't do you much good now but least you'll have something to read during recuperation right?"

"Wait, sir! What is this?"

 **H** ow to **E** vade **L** ynching by **P** irates

Congratulations on managing to corner the Straw Hat Pirates. Even if they did trick you, it was an accomplishment nonetheless. Unfortunately you have no time to rest on your laurels as you must immediately employ that same tenacity that got you in your situation in the first place should you wish to get out of there alive. Your situation is FUBAR.

PMS does not debilitate these pirates. In fact they will hit harder, shoot faster and hit more accurately than they normally would. Honestly it just puts them in a really, _really_ bad mood. However, make no mistake; there is nothing personal about this. The Straw Hat crew does not see you as enemies, just stress relief dummies.

These rules, or rather guidelines as there is no solid set of regulations governing how to deal with pirates let alone with this particular band of outlaws, have been compiled for your benefit by those who have been where you are now, survived and wish to pass on what they've learned that others may have a better chance of getting out of that jam marginally intact or at the very least of not repeating old mistakes (and getting the chance to make new ones).

\- Do. Not. Touch. The. Hat. _EVER_.

\- Every man for himself.

-The Tabasco Stars' intensity is directly proportional to the sniper's temper.

-Addendum: this goes for Pepper Stars too.

-Addendum: Just keep your mouth shut.

-The shipwright's pants do not make her look fat, OKAY?

-Addendum: In fact, she looks SUPER!

-If the swordswoman is asleep, leave her alone.

-Addendum: If she wakes, _run away_.

-Addendum: If her swords are drawn, strike a cool pose so you look good when she cuts you down.

-Do NOT ask how a skeleton can have it. She'll show you her undergarments.

-Do not damage the ship. She will not like it.

-Addendum: Neither will the shipwright.

-Addendum: Actually none of them will.

-If a pirate invokes "no uterus, no opinion", shut up.

-Addendum: Don't point out that the skeleton technically doesn't have one either.

-Addendum: Even if you do have a uterus, it is still better to keep your mouth shut.

-Say nothing about the doctor's roundish figure.

-Addendum: Even if you think she looks cute.

-Addendum: It's the fur.

-Addendum: Especially on her weight gain when she switches to her larger forms.

-If the cook and the swordswoman get into a fight, do not interfere.

-Addendum: Run away before they think of settling it via their "the one who kills the most marines wins" game.

-Addendum: Do not scream _"Girl Fight!"_

-Addendum: Do not hang around to watch.

-Addendum: Do not start betting pools (at least not without the pirate navigator's permission)

-Addendum: Do not use the official camera to take pictures.

-Don't forget to be polite to the pirate men or they will helpfully point out your location to their crewmates.

-Addendum: remember, they don't actually need help to kick ass; we're told 'it's just more fun this way.'

-Do not ogle the cook's…

"Hey, you with the marines?"

"AHHH! Uh, I mean, yeah, I- wow, you're legs are long! And smooth! Gorgeous really-"

***TWITCH***

"Man, look what they did to this place. How are we going to find - what happened to this guy?"

"I do believe he broke one of the rules, Namizou-san."

"Rookie."*sigh* "Which one?"

"Judging by the footprints, I'd say this one:"

-Do not ogle the cook's legs. They end in steel heels.

-Addendum: Also worthy of note is her Nutcracker Kick.


	2. HELP Full List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Female pirates are dangerous. The. End.

**How to Evade Lynching by Pirates**

Congratulations on managing to corner the Straw Hat Pirates. Even if they did trick you, it was an accomplishment nonetheless. Unfortunately you have no time to rest on your laurels as you must immediately employ that same tenacity that got you in your situation in the first place should you wish to get out of there alive. Your situation is FUBAR.

PMS does not debilitate these pirates. In fact they will hit harder, shoot faster and hit more accurately than they normally would. It just puts them in a really, _really_ bad mood. However, make no mistake; there is nothing personal about this. The Straw Hat crew does not see you as enemies, just stress relief dummies.

These rules, or rather guidelines as there is no solid set of regulations governing how to deal with pirates let alone with this particular band of outlaws, have been compiled for your benefit by those who have been where you are now, survived and wish to pass on what they've learned that others may have a better chance of getting out of that jam marginally intact or at the very least of not repeating old mistakes (and getting the chance to make new ones).

Read thoroughly:

\- Do. Not. Touch. The. Hat. _EVER_.

\- Every man for himself.

-The Tabasco Stars' intensity is directly proportional to the sniper's temper.

-Addendum: this goes for Pepper Stars too.

-Addendum: Just keep your mouth shut.

-The shipwright's pants do not make her look fat, OKAY?

-Addendum: In fact, she looks SUPER!

-If the swordswoman is asleep, leave her alone.

-Addendum: If she wakes, run _away_.

-Addendum: If her swords are drawn, strike a cool pose so you look good when she cuts you down.

-Do NOT ask how a skeleton can have _it_. She'll show you her undergarments.

-Do not damage the ship. She will not like it.

-Addendum: Neither will the shipwright.

-Addendum: Actually none of them will.

-If a pirate invokes "no uterus, no opinion", shut up.

-Addendum: Don't point out that the skeleton technically doesn't have one either.

-Addendum: Even if you do have a uterus, it is still better to keep your mouth shut.

-Say nothing about the doctor's roundish figure.

-Addendum: Even if you think she looks cute.

-Addendum: It's the fur.

-Addendum: Especially on her weight gain when she switches to her larger forms.

-If the cook and the swordswoman get into a fight, do not interfere.

-Addendum: Run away before they think of settling it via their "the one who kills the most marines wins" game.

-Addendum: Do not scream _"Girl Fight!"_

-Addendum: Do not hang around to watch.

-Addendum: Do not start betting pools (at least not without the pirate navigator's permission)

-Addendum: Do not use the official camera to take pictures.

-Don't forget to be polite to the pirate men or they will helpfully point out your location to their crew mates.

-Addendum: remember they don't actually need help to kick ass; we're told 'it's just more fun this way.'

-Do not ogle the cook's legs. They end in steel heels.

-Addendum: Also worthy of note is her Nutcracker Kick.

-Her hair doesn't look good; It's amazing! Got it?

-Addendum: Reply similarly to any question about the make up.

-Addendum: The one who said 'honesty is the best policy _lied_.

-When struck down, stay down. Seriously, getting up's just not worth it.

-Addendum: Do not however stay put. You're just making it easier for them to _literally_ walk all over you.

-Hand over the chocolate and only some people will get hurt.

-If you notice that the pirate huntress' movements are a little off, make no mention of it. Do not even think it. She will prove that her condition is no hindrance on you.

-Female marines should not expect special treatment. These pirates are all about equality.

-Addendum: In fact, you should have known better that to attack; you _know_ what it feels like.

-Do not tell the demoness that she needs to 'unwind'. She finds fighting to be relaxing. Very relaxing.

-Hide the pain medications. You will need them later.

-Addendum: If the pirates ask for them, hand them over. It is always better to avoid injury than to dope away the pain later.

-Whatever concerns you may have, don't bother the captain with them.

-Addendum: Yours will be too busy fighting for his life to care.

-Addendum: Straw Hat will be occupied with taking her condition out on the lot of you.

-Never comment on how bizarre they're dressed. They're _pirates_. They can dress however they want.

-Addendum: Do not attempt to try to prove that your fashion sense is better.

-Addendum: Should you actually manage to convince them, they will give your name to that transvestite friend of theirs, Mr. 2 Bon Clay.

-Do not ask the bikini babe if she'd like to go for a swim. You will. With the seakings.

-The musician is a _lady_. Treat her as such. Ignore all evidence to the contrary.

-Addendum: Unless you feel like discussing it over tea. With her sword.

-Under no circumstance should you ever proposition the pirates. Not only is this fraternization with the enemy, they won't find it funny. _At all_.

-Addendum: Well Straw Hat might but you can bet her crew will be offended aplenty on her behalf.

-Addendum: When the swordswomen say they'll show you a new place to store your sword if you don't shut up, they really will do it.

-Addendum: also the doctor is under aged.

-While the cook may be dressed like a waitress, never request 'to be served'. You will be.

-Addendum: Choices: tenderized or ground

-Addendum: Choices have been expanded to include flambeed 

-Addendum: Should the sniper be nearby, choices will include fried.

-Addendum: Should either of the swordswomen be nearby you may be sliced and diced in addition to the first three options.

-Do not use the opportunity to jump around showing off how flexible you are. It will make Straw Hat unhappy.

-Addendum: This will make her crew unhappy.

-Addendum: Who will then make you unhappy.

-Should she appear grumpy, offer the little reindeer candy and back away _slowly._

-Addendum: cotton candy works best

-Addendum: Have a _really_ good excuse why you have it handy or risk being labeled as a pedophile and dealt with accordingly.

-Should the musician ask to see your undergarments, do not shoot her down callously.

-Addendum: She may decide to view them regardless of your preference.

-Addendum: Always remember to wear clean underwear.

-Addendum: Be prepared to defend your choice of pattern.

-Addendum: 'Justice' underpants _are_ funny.

-If the sniper feels like telling story, _listen_.

-Addendum: You = cannon fodder. Literally.

-Should Straw Hat declare you're playing a game, you're playing a game.

-Addendum: No, you will never win.

-Addendum: Never suggest Tag. Tagging hurts.

-Addendum: Don't suggest a mental game. Her head will hurt and she won't want to play anymore.

-Addendum: Suggest Hide and Seek. Then pray she forgets you.

-Should she appear overheated offering cola to the cyborg will maker her happy.

-Addendum: Do so at your own risk. She'll hug you. _Real. Tight._

-Do not presume mercy from the men. They've put up with this shit for _far_ longer than you could ever hope to survive.

-Addendum: While offering the ship's valuables/stores will get them to leave faster, it is against regulation. Violators will go without supper for a fortnight with the thanks of the entire crew.

Should you be lucky enough to survive, please do take the time to improve this list. What you may contribute may end up saving some other unlucky soul.

**Firefist Extension**

If you're _really_ unlucky, Firefist will be visiting her sister when you corner the Straw Hat crew. If god hates you, she'll have her period too.

-Never tell her, "You're on fire!" She will be. And so will your ass.

-Addendum: this also applies to "You're so hot!"

-Addendum: and also "got a light?"

-Addendum: This applies to ALL fire-related pick-up lines.

-Addendum: "Light my fire, baby!" is just _asking_ for it.

-If she asks you if you think her sister's pretty, choose your words Very Carefully.

-Do not badmouth Whitebeard within her earshot. She's the Second Division Commander for a reason.

-Do not ask why she's affected when she a logia. She will tell you. In great detail.

-If she falls asleep, thank your lucky stars and run away.

-Addendum: Run away first, _then_ thank them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sanjiko - don't know why but I think Sanjiko would suffer more than the rest of them, partly because she's sensitive but mostly 'cause Oda/God likes messing with her/she's got terrible luck.
> 
> Zora - would probably treat the monthly visitor like a training regiment even if she did feel out of sorts/crabby…and the 'unwind' rule comes from the pic where she's got bandages around her upper torso.
> 
> Frankie - would have to wear pants cause I doubt you can stick a napkin in that tiny bikini of hers and that would, of course, annoy her to no end…which plus hormones is not good. ..Also this is assuming there are no tampons in OP, which, considering the general level of tech, is not so farfetched.
> 
> Luffyko – probably wouldn't be affected that much in terms of hormone-induced mood swings and pain simply because of her personality and she's just that lucky but she can't jump and stretch as she normally would cause that would distort the shape of the napkin and lead to a mess (no napkin can match Luffyko's movements XD). Also even when practically the entire crew is PMSing, Luffyko's hat is all important that's why it's rule number 1! XD
> 
> Ussope – considering how high strung her male counterpart is normally, I can see her as becoming very stressed when it's that time. She'd also likely have many 'diseases' as well.
> 
> Brooke – If a skeleton can breathe, eat, poop and fart she can have a menstrual cycle too, right? ... I don't' know if she can have kids though and I don't wanna know cause that would involve necrophilia... :P
> 
> Chopper – her situation was problematic as animals don't have menstrual cycles like humans but have mating cycles (the uterus lining gets absorbed back so there's not much/any bleeding - thank you Katzztar) and she's both in a way. I'm going with her getting hormonal imbalance which aggravates teenage insecurities.
> 
> Please do let me know what you think! :)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Please do let me know what you think of this :)
> 
> FUBAR = Fucked Up Beyond All Reason
> 
> This crack is based on the Gender bending fun pics bevinbaka posted last September 2012 in the LJ comm, One_Piece
> 
> full list will be posted soon...


End file.
